The Longs by Lucky Candice
Aren't these guys gorgeous? They are such a fun and cute family. I love how different each one of them look. Their 4-year-old is so photogenic - you should see the set of photos.
PARENTING:
I am in love with Parenting with Love and Logic. In love. Has changed my life and the lives of my kids. We are happier around here and my kids are growing and learning. So here's what parenting with love and logic is all about - letting your kids make choices and letting them deal with the consequences, good and bad. I get asked a lot about my methods and I share my methods even when I'm not asked (sorry!!) and I've been feeling lately that I want to post some of my "gems" that help me day to day.
Before I do that I want to explain the basics of parenting with love and logic:
1 - You become a parental consultant. You let your kids decide and then you help them and guide them through the good and bad consequences of their decision. It's a lot of letting go. An example of this is that I use thinking questions a lot with my kids. When they come to me with a problem I'll say, "what are you going to do about that?" and "what do you think?" We are raising our kids to think first, then act.
2 - You set boundaries and offer choices within those boundaries. For example, when I want my kids to take a bath I'll say, "would you like to take a bath upstairs or downstairs?" My little boy HATES to get out of the bath and so when it's time to get out I say, "do you want to get out on your own or would you like my help?" Both choices accomplish what needs to be done - and they get to choose. It's a little tough when there's something we really know they SHOULD do. The book uses the example of putting on their coat when it's cold outside (I'm using examples for little kids but of course this can be adapted for bigger kids too) you KNOW they're going to be cold if they don't get that coat on but you can't force them to do it and if you do they'll resent you for it. So instead there's a choice, "would you like to carry your coat or put it on?" I praise good choices and when they choose the not so good choice I say something like, "I hope it works out for you."
3 - CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES - Kids need to feel that they're in control of things. Well we all do for that matter. Whenever possible I give a choice. "Would you like the blue cup or the yellow cup?" or "Do you want to wear your tennis shoes or boots?" The trick is to always give choices that you can live with and choices you are willing to follow through on, or it becomes a threat. "Do you want to sit down and be quiet or is Mommy going to leave you here by yourself?" isn't a real choice at the grocery store but "Would you like to sit here with the buckle on or off?" is a choice.
4 - YES. The parenting with love and logic parent says Yes a lot. When kids hear NO their natural instinct is to fight it. So when my kids ask for a treat I always answer with, "Yes! As soon as you eat a healthy dinner." or "Yes! As soon as you finish cleaning your room." It's amazing the things you can get done with Yes.
5 - Enforceable statements. I use enforceable statements like these, "I give fruit treats to kids who sit still while I talk to my friend." or "You can play with that, as long as you play nice." And then I enforce them.
6 - FEEL FREE. When the kids are acting in a way that no one wants to be around, i.e., fussing, whining, crying - I use the feel free method. "Feel free to cry about that and throw a fit in your room. Up here we're all being happy and having fun." or "Feel free to cry it out in your room, when you're done we're happy to play with you again." When they don't want to head to their room I start in on a choice - "would you like to walk to your room or be carried?" Either way, the room time is coming.
7 - WHAT A BUMMER - Consequences are always doled out with empathy and understanding first. You can choose your catch phrase, mine is, "Uh-oh, what a bummer." This reminds them that it's THEIR problem. "Uh-oh, what a bummer, looks like you need a little bedroom time. We don't hit in this family." or "Uh-oh, what a bummer. I'll need to take that toy away for a while. Sharing is really important." It's important to put your catch-phrase to a melody. Yes, a melody. That way, when you sing-song it, it doesn't come out as anger. Trust me, this works on so many levels.
8 - NO WARNINGS. We don't get warnings in life. Consequences come fast and without second and third chances. Kids who get repeated warnings learn that they have repeated chances to act up before you are willing to act. It's hard to get used to but this technique really works. My kids know I mean business and listen when I speak. It's an important part of this parenting style and it takes a lot of effort at first, but after a short while your kids listen the first time you say something. I was having a problem with my kids splashing in the tub. I'm talking out of control, soak the entire room SPLASHING. They're ruining my blinds in the bathroom. I kept asking them nicely to stop splashing and ending up frustrated because the splashing wasn't stopping. So I decided so change my approach. It has taken a few baths so far and my problem is almost completely gone! The second, and I mean the SECOND one of them splashes I pull them nicely out of the tub while saying, "Uh-oh, what a bummer. Your splashing is ruining my bathroom." The thing is, now when I say, "please don't splash" - they know I follow that up and the splashing has stopped!
9 - BRAIN DEAD. When my kids get whiny and fussy or they are repeatedly asking for something over and over I go brain dead. "uh-huh (extremely monotone), I know." over and over again. "But I really want that toy!!!", "uh-huh, I know." "But I really really want it Mommy!!!" "uh-huh, I know." They give up after a few times. I also use this one, "when your voice matches mine, I'd be happy to listen to you" and then I ignore them until they talk nice.
10 - ENERGY DRAIN. Fighting, not sharing, being nasty to me - all of these things give me energy drain. I use it most when my kids are fighting. It goes something like this, "Uh-oh, what a bummer, your fighting is giving me such an energy drain. I was going to clean up the kitchen but I need to sit down and refill my energy. Looks like you'll need to do it for me." Life doesn't continue until the kitchen is clean. It's kind of interesting, but I've never had to force my kids to do what I've asked them to when I get an energy drain. I keep waiting for them to fight back and say, "I don't want to clean the kitchen! This isn't fair!" but I guess kids are smart enough to know that fighting solves nothing. If they did fight my energy drain chore I would probably say something like this, "Wow. That kind of talk hurts my ears and drains my energy even more. I was going to sweep the kitchen floor.....
I could go on and on but these are the ones I use the most. It's important that anger is taken out of your interaction with your kids (I know, this can be hard) so that means no yelling, no raising your voice, no anger. You replace those things with lots of love and praise. "Wow. What a great choice honey! You are soooo smart!"
I have checked out every Parenting with Love and Logic book at the library several times. I read through them, take notes and try to use the things I think will really work. I have also taken the classes which are INVALUABLE.
Good luck and I hope this helps somebody!
I am me- and I am very lucky. My life is never dull, although I sometimes wish it was.